


Singin’ all my songs like they was at the karaoke

by YourShadow



Category: Carnival Phantasm, Fate/Zero
Genre: Alcohol, Bar, Crack, Drunkenness, Humor, Karaoke, Multi, club
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-12-07 01:51:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11613441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourShadow/pseuds/YourShadow
Summary: Gilgamesh is bored and demands that Kirei take him somewhere more entertaining than a stuffy old church. They end up singing karaoke at a bar. Pure crack, in the style of Carnival Phantasm.





	Singin’ all my songs like they was at the karaoke

**Author's Note:**

> Just your favorite Fate gays singing classic tunes. Featuring guest appearances by Saber, Irisviel, Waver, and Iskandar. Song title comes from CL’s “Hello Bitches” because I love that song a lot. Listen to the playlist on [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/kylotrashbaby69/playlist/0cQd1ASzv9KtrQEsMD24FD)

“Kirei, I grow tired of this place. Take me somewhere fun.” Gilgamesh sat up from his lounging position on the couch and looked at the priest expectantly.

“Gilgamesh, it’s almost midnight.” Kirei’s eyes felt heavy, but sleep would not welcome him just yet.

“What does that matter? Sounds like the perfect time to go out,” the king said and grinned.

With a long, exasperated sigh, the former Inquisitor gave up on trying to argue with his Servant.

***

Not long after, the pulsing sounds and strobing lights of a local bar greeted them.

“Yes, this is  _ exactly _ what I was looking for,” Gilgamesh said, eyes alight.

“I had a feeling you’d enjoy this kind of hedonistic entertainment,” Kirei mumbled. “Just call me when you’re ready to leave. Or don’t, I really couldn't care less.”

“What, you’re leaving already?” Gilgamesh asked, frowning. “When I asked you to take me somewhere, I meant for you to join me in the festivities.”

Kirei held back another sigh. “I don’t enjoy this kind of thing. I just know  _ you _ will.” He turned back, walking to his car.

“No. I will not allow you to leave.”

The authoritative tone in the Babylonian King’s voice gave Kirei pause. While he had all of the command seals at his disposal, his Servant had the Gate of Babylon, full of weapons beyond number that were ready to deploy at a moment’s notice. Gilgamesh was also rather annoying when he was determined to get what he wanted. Annoying and stubborn, like a mule.

Kirei went back to Archer’s side. His face was bland, but Gilgamesh could see the discomfort simmering beneath the surface. With a victorious smirk, the King of Heroes took his Master by the hand and lead him into the bar.

***

Not even an hour later, after several alcoholic drinks were gulped down to drown out the loud music, Kirei and Gilgamesh stumbled upon the karaoke section of the club. Stumbled right on stage, as it were.

_ “I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want!”  _ Kirei sang.

_ “So tell me what you want, what you really, really want!”  _ Gilgamesh replied.

While the classic Spice Girls song got the crowd going, the fact that two grown men--one of whom looked sorely out of place, still in his priest’s robes--were singing their lungs out made the listeners scream with laughter.

It took a rather odd turn, however, when Kirei decided to change some of the lyrics.

_“I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really, really, really, want_ ** _to_** **_destroy all humanity_**.” Kirei’s eyes widened and he grasped onto Archer’s shoulder, swaying a bit on the stage, mic still in hand. “That’s it, that’s my wish for the Holy Grail. To destroy all humanity!” he confessed.

But Gilgamesh, unfortunately, was not paying attention.  _ “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends!” _

The crowd was either too drunk or too drugged out to care about Kirei’s outburst as Gilgamesh kept singing.

***

“Irie...are you sure this is the kind of place you want to see?” Saber’s voice was wary as she glanced around the club, guarded against anything they may come up against in this foreign place.

“Yes! Oh Saber, this is so exciting! Kiritsigu never took me to places like this before,” Irisviel replied, her body moving to the music as her eyes closed.

Saber still looked doubtful. “There’s probably a good reason why…” she muttered to herself, thinking that, for once, Master and Servant could agree on something.

But Irie looked so happy that Saber couldn’t  _ dream _ of depriving her of this night. So she acted like a bodyguard, allowing the homunculi to dance and have fun while looking out for any danger.

“Would you like a drink, baby?” a man asked the pair.

“No, thank you. And I am not a baby. Please do not call me that,” Saber replied in a polite yet decided tone.

“Oh, I would love one! Kiritsigu  _ never _ lets me drink alcohol!” Irie said excitedly.

“Irie no!” Saber corralled the homunculi away from the drink-bearing stranger.

“Why not, Saber?” the white-haired woman looked upset, her big red eyes blinking in confusion.

“Alcohol dulls the senses and makes humans weak to ill-conceived notions. Trust me, you don’t want any of it,” the King of Briton explained.

“But I just want to try it! This is my first time out of the Einzbern Castle, and my first time here in Fuyuki. Can’t I just try a taste?”

Saber couldn’t resist the small pout of her friend. “Fine, but just a taste.”

She walked up to the bar, Irie close by. “Give me a small glass of the least alcoholic drink you have, please.”

The bartender gave her an odd look, then shrugged. After just a moment--where he poured only two liquids into the smallest glass Saber had ever seen--he put a yellow drink in front of her. “Here’s a Lemon Drop shot. Want to start a tab?”

“Uhm...sure,” Saber glanced to Irie, who dug out the credit card Kiritsigu gave her for emergency expenses--and light shopping--only. “Could I...have one as well?”

The bartender nodded and swiftly made another one. He eyed the two women as they held the shots in their hands, staring at each other, before taking a sip.

“Mmmm this is delicious! It’s sour, but sweet too!”

“I agree, it is much different than the mead we had in my time, but it is still good,” Saber nodded after finishing her shot. She placed the empty glass on the bar. “Another.”

The bartender grinned.

***

A few more shots and other ‘experimental’ full drinks later, Saber and Irie were dancing amongst the crowd. They made quite the scene, though unintentionally, as a blond woman dressed in a dark pantsuit and what appeared to be an albino danced and giggled.

Many men tried to seduce them with promises of more drinks and a ‘good time’ if they simply left with them, but Saber merely brushed them aside (re: aggressively) and kept Irie close. The hip beats and intense rhythms were fun and easy to dance to, once they got going.

But then a slower, more sensual song played.

“Oh, we should probably leave the dance floor. This sounds like a song for couples,” Saber said, a bit dazed but still in slight command of her faculties.

“No, let’s stay, I like this song!” Irie said, clinging to Saber and resting her head on the other’s shoulder.

Saber gave a small smile and took the lead.

_ Wise men say ‘only fools rush in’, but I can’t help falling in love with you... _

The somber tones of the slow melody lulled them into a small turnaround on the dance floor, which was only half full, even with the couples near them.

_ Take my hand, take my whole life too, for I can’t help falling in love with you… _

After the slow song, the buzz urged the women on down the hall. Through the nearly hypnotic tones reverberating off of the walls, something caught Arturia’s attention.

_ “Backstreet’s back, alright!” _

“Is that...Archer, I hear?” Saber honed in on the voice, knowing she had heard it somewhere before and feeling like it belonged to the arrogant king.

“But what would he be doing here?” Irie asked.

“I don’t know, but that song sounds familiar...let’s go check it out.” Saber took Irisviel’s hand and lead her toward the singing, where she got surer and surer of her assumption that it was the Golden King at the mic.

And indeed, up on the stage was the King of Heroes...as well as Kirei Kotomine.

_ “Am I original?”  _ the Babylonian King asked.

_ “Yeahhhh,” _ the priest replied.

Irie gasped, and then gave a small hiccup, covering her mouth and blushing. “Is that (hic) Kirei (hic) Koto-(hic)-mine?”

Saber narrowed her eyes, but that only served to further blur her vision. Her legs were wobbly, and she felt a bit woozy. “Yes but, I don’t think he came here to do battle.”

_ “Am I sexual?” _ Gilgamesh rolled his hips in tandem with the lyrics.

_ “Yeahhhh,”  _ Kirei replied a bit too enthusiastically.

“Are they...singing karaoke?” the homunculi asked, eyes wide.

Saber tilted her head to the side a bit, baffled. “It appears so.”

Irie gasped excitedly, “Let’s join them!”

Before she could stop her, Saber was being pulled toward the stage by Irisviel.

_ Ten minutes later... _

_ “Man! I feel like a woman…” _ Shania’s famous song blasted through the speakers as Saber pranced around the stage in her pantsuit.

Irie cheered her on from the sidelines, still trying to pick out the right song for herself.

“Saber, sing a duet with me!” Gilgamesh called out to her.

Meanwhile, Kirei was sitting at a side table, sobering up and muttering, “I have many regrets.”

***

Waver looked at the scene and blinked. “Let’s leave, Rider.” He abruptly turned around, but the giant king planted a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

“No, this looks like fun! And plus the others are here, too! See, there’s Archer and Saber singing up on the stage together.”

_ “You better shape up, ‘cause I need a man. And my heart is set on you,” _ Saber sang, pushing Gilgamesh backwards like in the classic movie.

_ “You’re the one that I want!” _ they sang together in oddly perfect harmony for being as drunk as they were.

Soon, the King of Conquerors was also on stage. At this point, there were more people at the karaoke section than the actual bar, so there were enough people to sing along to the singalong favorite Iskandar picked.

_ “Don’t stop believin’, hold on to that feelin’!” _ the burly man shouted into the mic, nearly deafening the crowd.

Waver joined Kirei at the side table--mostly because it was the only unoccupied space in the small area--sitting with his head in his hands.

“Why did I get such an odd Servant?” he cried to himself.

“What?” Kirei asked loudly.

“I said WHY DID I GET SUCH AN ODD SERVANT!” the thin boy yelled back.

“AT LEAST YOURS DOESN’T HOLD ORGIES IN YOUR WINE CELLAR!” Kirei replied during a quiet part of the song, drawing some attention their way.

Waver shrank away from the not-as-sober-as-he-thought-he-was priest.

“Hey, I invited you to partake in those orgies and you said no, so I don’t want to hear any complaints!” Gilgamesh shouted from across the room.

Waver completely disappeared into the crowd while Kirei’s forehead met the table’s hard surface.

***

When Iskandar was done entertaining the crowd with his Journey rendition, Irie finally took the stage. “I found the perfect song for me to sing! Are you guys ready?”

“Yes, Irie, sing for us!” Saber called. Various cheers arose from the crowd.

“I need a partner though. Saber, will you join me?”

With tears in her eyes, the King of Knights nodded and accepted the homunculi’s hand up onto the stage.

_ “Hiya Barbie!” _ Saber began.

_ “Hi Ken!” _ Irie replied.

_ “Do you wanna go for a ride?” _

_ “Sure, Ken!” _

_ “Jump in!” _

_ “I’m a Barbie girl in the Barbie world. Life in plastic, it’s fantastic!” _

The crowd thoroughly enjoyed the women’s rendition of the popular song about the even more popular child’s doll. Some sang along, while others could only laugh at Saber’s serious attempt to do a man’s voice. For someone who had pretended to be a man for most of her life, it seemed rather difficult to get the low, gruff tones of the male singer she was imitating.

Gilgamesh was laughing the hardest, shaking Kirei until the man looked ill.

“Can we go home now, Archer?” the former Inquisitor inquired.

“Aw, but look at all of the fun we’re having! This was a great idea, Kirei, I say we do this more often,” the King of Heroes replied, smiling wide with teeth.

“Please no,” Kirei whispered.

“Have you guys seen my Master?” Alexander the Great asked as he approached. “He’s a scrawny little thing, so it’s easy to lose him in a big crowd like this. He just slips away like a snake.”

Gilgamesh practically hissed when Iskandar mentioned his greatest slithery enemy, and Kirei had to stop him from opening the Gate of Babylon in such a crowded area. Not that he minded if some of the bar goers got hurt, but that Gilgamesh might miss in his drunkenness and embarrass himself in public.

“Guess not…” the King of Conquerors mumbled, scratching his head before shrugging and walking away to find Waver.

_ “Oh, I’m having so much fun!”  _ Irie talk-sang as her song came to an end.

_ “Well, Irie, we’re just getting started,” _ Saber said, switching to her partner’s real name halfway through the song.

_ “Oh, I love you, Saber!” _ Irisviel said, and as the song ended, she embraced the knight and went in for a kiss.

The crowd hooted at the affectionate display. That is, until a loud, angry voice interrupted them.

“IRIE! SABER! GET DOWN FROM THERE, NOW!”

It was Kiritsigu, and he did not look happy to see his Servant and his wife making out on stage in front of tipsy onlookers.

Kirei’s head popped up from amongst the crowd, eyes zeroing in on Kiritsigu’s haggard-looking face. “Time go to, Gilgamesh,” he said, quickly pulling his Servant away through the crowd in the opposite direction of their enemy.

The ancient Babylonian heathen merely laughed and allowed himself to be dragged away, having thoroughly enjoyed his night out with the sullen priest.


End file.
